The Wreckage Left By Fathers who Walk Out on Their Children

                            This article may very well be the hardest I've written yet. It's emotional for me because I am a mother to children  that long for a father. It's been nine almost ten years now,so they have  pretty much accepted our family for what it is....their siblings and their mom.But this societal image of the nuclear family bombards them from every angle......school,television,magazines,etc.As a parent it kills me to see my children hurt;especially when they hurt  for someone who sleeps good every night without a concern as to how his actions are affecting them. I worry for them all, but the most impressionable one is my daughter.For a while she internalized his neglect and translated it to mean there was something wrong with her;that somehow something  she did caused him to stay away. I have seen the end product of dead beat dads and I refuse to sit back and allow my daughter to follow suit. I have a dear friend who never knew her 'real' father.Because of this underlying longing for her father's love and attention, I have watched her bounce from one negative relationship to another.She dressed for attention (highlighting her assets) and pursued any guy that offered a wink and a smile.In my opinion,that behavior is not only sad,but demeaning and destructive.Seeing this play out before my eyes, I worry someday my daughter will grow up searching for her father's love in all the wrong places. As for my sons,it has crossed my mind what effect this phenomenon will have on them later in life. However, knowing the lifestyle his father lives,I wonder if my eldest son is actually better off without him.But who will teach my son to be a man? To play football,basketball,baseball? I've tried to be both mom and dad,but I can't do it.I can only be mom.It just baffles me,the audacity of these men who turn their back on their kids because they can't have the mother.To take it one step further, it's these same men who will go "play daddy" to another woman's child for a hot meal and a steady place to lay their head.I just don't get it.I suppose the men are able to leave their kids without a conscience, because they were not raised with their fathers.But it seems to me,that having lived the pain of abandonment in their own upbringing,they would want more for their own children.Maybe they seek solace in knowing that we as mothers will not allow our children to go without and will see to that fact,at any cost.But I still have to wonder.....is there any antidote to this epidemic?Will we see it in our lifetime, like we saw the miracle of our first black president?

Being your child's Role Model

         
                    As a single parent, you will most likely be the most consistent presence in your child's life.Think about all the things you do on a daily basis,the good and the bad.Now, how would you feel if your child began to emulate your decisions?
                    For those of us who live squeaky clean lives you probably wouldn't mind, but unfortunately,that is not the reality for most of the world.
                    Our children are quite impressionable and there are many influences outside our homes waiting to instill in them a false sense of love,loyalty and respect.
                    As the head of our households, we must insist on being our child's role model.We must show by example the importance of education and instill within them the bricks to build up their self esteem. As a single mother to a daughter (age 7) and two boys (ages 9 and 3 ), I believe the way we  go about this should be as different as they are.
                  For my daughter,first and foremost, I have tried to model self-sufficiency.I don't want her to feel she has to depend on anyone ;I want her to have her own.Also,though few and far in between, I have tried to show her the need to respect yourself in relationships, and have been mindful of how I allow others to treat me in front of her.Last but not least, I make a point to emulate for her how a little girl should carry herself at home and in public...proper hygeine,how to sit in a skirt,etc.
                 As for my sons,there are some areas in which I am not qualified,such as sports.For that I have had to reach out to my father,but you may choose whomever best fits the job for you.But what I can teach them,which is of most importance to me,is how to treat the women in their lives. I won't even allow them to hit their sister in horseplay,though I am sure they sneak a few in here and there.As a former victim of domestic violence, I know all to well how that affects a woman's life....her appearance,her heart and her self esteem. I also try to model for them the need to make an honest living,no matter what.I made sure my kids saw the struggle I endured while working full- time and going to nursing school part-time;they also watched in pride,alongside grandma and granddaddy, as I walked the stage and earned my LPN license 3 months later.Sure they don't have all the latest gadgets that society markets as a "must have" every other week; but they have what they need and don't have to worry about it being snatched away.Last but not least, I push education, how they should dress (no pants hanging off their butt) and how to conduct themselves in public.
                Being your child's role model is no easy task.But it is a necessary one, if we are to one day send them out into society confident enough to run the world,not so weak as to be run by it.

Finding God as a Single Mother

                   My journey to find God has been a 10+ year journey and counting.It's not that he didn't make himself available to me; I just didn't feel worthy. While visiting churches, in my quest to find peace, I heard many sermons about how repentence and baptism covered a  multitude of sins.Surely they didn't mean my sins I thought to myself.Since he's supposed to be able to see and hear everything,was he not seeing not and hearing how I was living and behaving? I knew there was no way he could forgive someone like me.
                  However, it turned out that he could and he did. How do I know you ask? Because there was no way I'd be here today had he not loved me through all the good,the bad and the ugly. As I sit here and recall, he placed several influential people in my life at just the right times to help me through. He allowed me some pain, but they were learning pains,and without them I would have been none the wiser today.
                  As a single mom, I often struggle with the consequences of my decisions. Sometimes I battle the feelings of inadequacy as a parent.I also allow the guilt of their fathers' absence to justify my need to overcompensate in my rearing of them;often to their detriment when I am left with nothing monetarily to care for them for a two week stretch.
                 Then one day the Lord led me to his Word after many a tearful night.It was as if the words were illuminated on the page: " The Lord is a father to the fatherless". In an instant, it was as if tons of struggle had been lifted off my shoulders; I was set free.No longer did I have to tackle the perils of parenting alone.No longer did I have to "steal from Peter to pay Paul" because he would make a way out of no way,and worked on my pride so that I could accept the gift in love and not as charity.
                By no means do I want to give off the impression that life for me is  a bed of roses. God is no respecter of person and I often deal with the same trials and tribulations as the next person. The difference now is I have a whole new outlook;the outlook of a person who has a relationship with God. I know the Lord will never put more on me than I am able to handle (whether I agree with his opinion of what I can handle or not).And I also know that the times when I walked through life " and saw only one set of footprints,it was then that he was carrying me".

Living your Dreams

                      Do you have a dream? As a single parent,have you felt you couldn't possibly pursue it? Or have you entrusted your dreams to someone who has acted as a pin to deflate your balloon? If so, I can relate. I have had several avenues I wanted to pursue but lacked the confidence to until now. I have had dreams of becoming a professional singer/entertainer, an author and a nurse. I was able to fulfill  the dream of becoming a nurse,LPN to be exact,in September 2007.However, an injury I sustained on the job,halted the full effect of being able to jump in with both feet. I have the license but am unable to spread my wings until I am released from doctor's care.I most recently had the dream of writing a book for single moms but was discouraged by a member of my former church stating," It's going to be almost impossible to make it because there a 1,000,0001 books like that out there." Not knowing much and respecting her opinion, I chose not to. Thankfully for every negative counsel you recieve there are many more positive,and thus this blog was born.It's not a book per say, but I hope to one day make a compilation of my writings for a book.As for becoming a singer/entertainer, I still have stage fright issues but I plan to fullfill my dreams of recording a studio demo...God willing.
                    I want to encourage everyone who visits my blogs (and beyond) to pursue your dreams.Through the recent deaths of close friends from my past( one died from breast cancer,the other from a tragic car accident) I was confronted with the reality of how short life really is. Both of these women were in their mid to late thirties. I am quite certain that if they knew ahead of time,the course their lives would take,they would have made a point to live with no regrets. Sure not everyone is discovered,sure not everyone will make it beyond the drawing board;but don't let your choice to not try become the reason.We all need a supportive cheerleader in our corner.Someone who will encourage you and inspire you;not be jealous or sabotage you.That person for me is my friend Izola,to whom I am dedicating this article.Our friendship has spanned 20 + years. She is such an extraordinary person in her own right and talents, that her confidence in self gives her the heart to lift you up,not tear you down. The benefits of working toward your dreams are undeniable: 1) You gain confidence 2) You are given a purpose 3) You learn (sometimes for the first time) just how capable you are 4) You discover how valuable your natural talents really are. 5) You get to enjoy the fruit of your hard work.
                           No matter how big or small, take that first step toward making your dream a reality.We were all given various gifts and talents.They were not given to us to lay dormant like an unopened gift in a beautiful package, but for us to share them with the world, blessing others as he intended it.    

To Spank or not to Spank

                   Here's a hot topic if ever there was one.What I find humorous is how our parents forget,once they become grandparents,how they ruled with an iron fist.I'll never forget the countless rolls of toilet paper I folded and scrunched  to cushion my rear for the blows to come.Don't cry for me Argentina,because had I not recieved such dreaded discipline, who knows where I would be today.I believe that spanking done in love to correct unsavory behavior is essential.Providing boundaries simply is not enough.Children always gravitate toward what they cannot have and peer pressures constantly pull them into acts in which they should not participate.Faced with such temptation, a list of do's and don'ts will not cut it. Just like touching a hot stove alerts you to danger, a controlled spanking will enforce the consequences of your behavior. It's been said that experience is the best teacher,but in this case we need to get our kids attention before the reality of life grabs hold. If you don't agree with spanking let's look at the alternative.You can choose not to spank your child, but don't get mad when they embaress you in public; or challenge you as they grow in size, but obviously not in common sense. If you are in favor of spanking, I believe there should be a four step process: 1.) Give a last resort warning to correct behavior
2.) Proceed with controlled spanking;never spank when agitated or angry.A cool head is a must.
3.) Discuss child's behavior and other ways to handle the situation if it happens again.
4.)Tell them you love them. ( Because spanking really is done in love; we care so much for them we don't want them to learn the hard way)
Is there an alternative to spanking you ask? Yes there is.They'll try to whoop you!

How much is too much?

As a mom faced with raising three beautiful kids on my own, I often allow myself to carry the pain of my children. I carry their disappointments, their insecurities,their hopes unfulfilled. I watch as my daughter desperately searches for any glimpse of her daddy's love from years past. I watch as my sons try to be both teacher and student when it comes to learning the tools of life meant to be modeled by a dad. It is because of this that I often find myself trying to overcompensate for my kids,depleting my finances to see the smiles on their faces when they are given their hearts desire.As if that were not enough, I would even overlook their body's natural need for rest and allow them to determine their own bedtimes, so that they could get the most out of every day with me; the one parent that cared enough to be present.At times I still ponder how much is too much.When you give your children everything they want, they come to expect it,breeding a nature of entitlement.When you don't provide their every whim,they grow to resent your insufficiences as the sole guardian. In this present economy it is crucial that we learn to live within our means.It is our responsibility as the matriarch of our domain to prioritize the demands of our household and members therein. Though your child may experience momentary disappointment accompanied by the much dreaded waterworks display for emphasis, they will survive.And though you may not be able to see the sun through the trees,moms you will too.

Am I a mom or a Statistic?

     I will never forget the first time I was faced with this question. I was engaged in a heart to heart discussion and the listener let it slip that they never knew that through my decision to become an unwed mother,I now had made myself a statistic. " A statistic ?", I thought.What is that supposed to mean? Did I now wear a banner on my chest that said I was destined to failure? Was I now going to become like the young mothers depicted in the news with one kid on each hip and one in the stroller walking the streets? Should I not even try to raise my kids in a structured home with Christian values,because they are going to end up as society says, on drugs,selling drugs, or a high school drop out having made me a grandmother at 40? Am I less than because I am not married to the father(s) of my children? Some may have accepted that fate and never aspired to anything greater.However, I allowed it to anger me into action. I was determined my kids would recieve the same quality education as their peers,emotionally whole minus any developmental deficits whatsoever.The image of the traditional nuclear family may have been absent, but I was present every day for my kids. I may not have been able to splurge their every want and desire, but they were never sent out into the world without a need having been met.So if anyone dares ask me again whether I am a mom or a statistic, I would declare I am all that my children need me to be and there is no name for that.