Broken Arrows

                 Last night this vision came to me of a broken arrow and I felt a tugging on my heart to write about the analogy. I sat in silence waiting to hear from God as to what he wanted me to say, and this is what he impressed on my heart.
                The image of the arrow symbolizes our children and it's brokenness symbolizes our disappointments,dreams unfulfilled.We all want our children to grow up without the struggle we endured and with more than what we had.We want them to be high school scholars,college graduates and successful professionals.But children are often the product of their environment.
                What environment are you cultivating for your children in your home? What are you demanding from the friends or acquaintances they are associating with? What are you instilling in your children from what they observe you saying and doing?
                 If we want our children to live righteously,we must direct them on the path they should go,just as in archery.But we can't expect a broken arrow to fly as far as one that's intact.Our children,the arrows,become broken when we allow them to govern themselves.They become broken when we allow them to believe that other people in our lives are more important than they or that our love for them is conditional for any reason.This brings to mind a perfect example of what I mean.It involves a poor generational cycle involving a dear friend and her children.She was raised to believe that the men in her (single) mom's life came first, and she was a non factor unless the mother was unattached.She did not have a relationship with her biological father,and never could say with certainty who he was,as the mother was a puppet directed by the strings of her overbearing grandmother's influence.Due to the absence of this crucial male figure, this friend has spent many years in countless failed relationships trying to find love and acceptance from all the wrong men,in all the wrong places.She is a mother to two boys;On her own she raised them to be respectful and pleasant.Everyone loved her boys.However,she loved the attention and "respect" she recieved from dating "bad boys",and the "never last forever" cash flow she benefited from related to their street hustling.She often lied to cover up for these men,but would throw her own kids under the bus whenever they attempted to express how her behavior was affecting them.Because of her decision to put self first,allowing these negative characters to stain the moral fiber she tried so hard to instill,her eldest son is now a college dropout and a street pharmaceutical flunkie. Her once straight arrow had been broken because of the disregard she had for  maintaining his innocence, and from the way she allowed these "men" to glorify such a destructive lifestyle.
          Let's look at the tragedy that would become Amy Winehouse for a moment.Before she was known to the world,she was an arrow strong and unbendable thanks to the combined efforts of her closely knit family. It wasn't until she was introduced to the ever seducing and never gratifying fame monster,did her arrow begin to break shattering into a million sad pieces.Her arrow began to bend and break from the demons she was surrounded by, drugs, alcohol,and other arrows which had no real direction.
          If we want our children to stand straight and fly right,no matter the worldy influences,we must continue in our fight to strengthen,affirm and direct them.

HE abandoned you but you're rejecting ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 This article is actually an update to, " When The Family Suffers".For those of you who are unfamiliar with the last article, I will try to catch you up to speed with a condensed version.My oldest brother kept an 18 year old secret that would rock my family's foundation to its' core.That secret was my 18 y.o. niece who I'll refer to as "Regina".(She apparently was concieved 6 months into his marriage,out of an extramarital affair.) At this time he already had a newborn with his wife,well a 15 month old child, who fast forward to today is 20,soon to be 21. With the background firmly laid out for you,I'd like to bring you to the present day.
  I was not sure how to go about this chance meeting,but I knew in my heart that I couldn't allow another day to go by and this child (young lady) not know the love she had awaiting her from her newfound aunt and granddad. I ultimately decided to make initial contact via an internet networking site. With her personal  contact info made readily available, I decided to pick up the phone, hoping in time we could build a bond that family was made of;A bond that could overlook the 18 years of damage caused from my brother's abandonment.
 We decided to meet a week later and the stage was set. I was pleasantly surprised by her absence of reserve in agreeing to meet me.My kids were overjoyed,especially my daughter, as she had imagined she had a new teenage play mate for which she could emulate and become buddies with.However the reality would soon become something different entirely.
 The day of the planned meeting arrived and you could cut the nervous tension with a knife.Most of the conversation took place between her mother and myself,because she was quite guarded and angry.Her mother often interjected,prodding her to be more engaging,but to no avail.When I left the visit, I was hurt and confused.Hurt because she wasn't running to me with open arms.Hurt because she was taking out her abandonment issues that my brother caused on ME.Confused because if she really didn't want to meet me or was going to treat me like that,why did she even agree to meet with me? I didn't want to overwhelm her,I didn't want to push too much on her at once....I just wanted to be her auntie and for her to act like my niece.
 I have counseled with dear friends in hopes of better understanding this phenomenon,from the perspective of the neglected child, but it's still hard to wrap my head around. I understand that she may feel that we "the family" could have influenced  my brother to make other choices other than to deny  her, or maybe she's wondering where were we the past 18 years and why are we coming out the woodwork now?. I get that.But what I don't get is how she doesn't understand that, I am not my brother's keeper!

When the family Suffers

                                  Today was a tough day for me and my family.The article I am about to share is still raw and it is unlike any other I have shared before.It's unique as it is written from the perspective of the family of an absentee dad; the other component often left out in the equation of relationships gone sour, with a child at the helm of it.
                                  Today my niece found out she has a sister, and I found out I have a new niece...... who is 18 years old now and in her first year of college! Shocked,happy,disgusted and embarressed are only a few of the emotions I am feeling right now.How could this happen?How could my brother sleep at night and look himself in the mirror in the morning,knowing the woman he creeped with was pregnant?Did he ever wonder what she looked like?Did he ever consider that though he made the conscious decision to be an absentee dad, our family did not sign up to be an absentee granddad,grandmother,aunt, and cousins?
                                 I saw a picture of my niece,this 18 year old beautiful young lady, and to tell the truth,she looks more like my brother (and me) than my other niece does!How uncanny is that? I was unsure how to handle this on my end, but I ultimately made the choice to reach out to her,and I called .Surprisingly she was quite pleasant and receptive to hearing what I had to say.I don't know how I would have responded in her shoes.Would I have hung up?Would I have ranted and raved about where have we been all these (18) years?If I were her mother,how would I respond to his family trying to contact MY child after all these years?Would it matter to me that this man's family is not to blame for his ignorance and poor choices? And as my brother,how would I feel,knowing that everyone now sees me for the liar I REALLY am? Would I feel  I owe this other child anything for the pain I have caused her?Would I hold my head in shame?.....Apparently not,because he STILL doesn't acknowledge her.
                               All we can do now,with or without my brother on board,is move forward.But my heart breaks for the years lost,for the memories that were never made. My heart breaks for the birthdays,proms,and graduations I missed; for the boys talks,laughs and hugs we could have shared. I can't stress this enough.....If you feel you are man enough to bring a baby into this world,no matter the circumstance,whether it was a one night stand or your jump off,handle your business.If  you choose to turn your head and walk away you do that...but remember, your family didn't co-sign that choice with you.
                                 

Am I A Bad Mother If I.......?

                        We are imperfect beings.There is not one,without sin,who can cast the first stone.So why do we beat up on ourselves when it comes to our parenting? If you  occasionally find yourself doing this you are not alone. I often berate myself because I am not the mother I want to be, all the time;not the mother I imagined I would be when I fantasized about it.
                        No one ever warned me about the reality of parenting.That the cost to rear a child would greatly surpass what I would earn.That your authority as a parent would not guarantee your child's cooperation.That you can't raise each child with the same set of guidelines because they are so uniquely different and would not respond the same.
                        I often wonder if I am a bad parent  because I get overwhelmed and angry when I have no time for myself to relax and regroup. Sometimes I think I am a bad parent when I can't afford to treat the occasional trip to McDonald's or any other activity they may desire. I still even find myself feeling that I'm a bad parent because I have yet to find a mate to fill the void of father figure, they so desperately long for. 
                       To determine what qualifies one as a bad parent, I guess you first must consider what  are the characteristics of a good parent.In my opinion a good parent:
                        1. Provides a nurturing home for their child.
                        2. Supplies the external needs of their child ( clothes,shoes,food,etc.)
                        3. Supplies the internal needs of their child  ( love,self esteem,trust,etc.)
                        4. Protects their child
                        5. Makes education a priority
                        6. Puts God at the head of their home and encourages their child to have their own relationship with him,on a level they can understand.
                        7. Does not allow any negative influences in the home, in any form ( television,radio,books,etc)
                        8.Teaches their child,by example,how to carry themselves with respect and dignity.
                        9.Does not break the law or allow their child to by any degree
                      10.When it comes to their mate,and they are not married,they put their kids first. ( Some may disagree,but relationships come and go, your children are forever. Children need to know from you,especially if they are from a single parent home,that they are priceless and irreplacable.)
                       So after examining my list, do I still feel like a bad parent? Actually no and I don't think you should either.If you see yourself in either or all of my points listed above, I believe you should be brushing your shoulders off about now.We all have our good days and bad days,and if you still have the ability to come out on the other side to face another day, you should be commended.There are no bad parents or bad kids;Just students of life trying to learn without a handbook.

The Wreckage Left By Fathers who Walk Out on Their Children

                            This article may very well be the hardest I've written yet. It's emotional for me because I am a mother to children  that long for a father. It's been nine almost ten years now,so they have  pretty much accepted our family for what it is....their siblings and their mom.But this societal image of the nuclear family bombards them from every angle......school,television,magazines,etc.As a parent it kills me to see my children hurt;especially when they hurt  for someone who sleeps good every night without a concern as to how his actions are affecting them. I worry for them all, but the most impressionable one is my daughter.For a while she internalized his neglect and translated it to mean there was something wrong with her;that somehow something  she did caused him to stay away. I have seen the end product of dead beat dads and I refuse to sit back and allow my daughter to follow suit. I have a dear friend who never knew her 'real' father.Because of this underlying longing for her father's love and attention, I have watched her bounce from one negative relationship to another.She dressed for attention (highlighting her assets) and pursued any guy that offered a wink and a smile.In my opinion,that behavior is not only sad,but demeaning and destructive.Seeing this play out before my eyes, I worry someday my daughter will grow up searching for her father's love in all the wrong places. As for my sons,it has crossed my mind what effect this phenomenon will have on them later in life. However, knowing the lifestyle his father lives,I wonder if my eldest son is actually better off without him.But who will teach my son to be a man? To play football,basketball,baseball? I've tried to be both mom and dad,but I can't do it.I can only be mom.It just baffles me,the audacity of these men who turn their back on their kids because they can't have the mother.To take it one step further, it's these same men who will go "play daddy" to another woman's child for a hot meal and a steady place to lay their head.I just don't get it.I suppose the men are able to leave their kids without a conscience, because they were not raised with their fathers.But it seems to me,that having lived the pain of abandonment in their own upbringing,they would want more for their own children.Maybe they seek solace in knowing that we as mothers will not allow our children to go without and will see to that fact,at any cost.But I still have to wonder.....is there any antidote to this epidemic?Will we see it in our lifetime, like we saw the miracle of our first black president?

Being your child's Role Model

         
                    As a single parent, you will most likely be the most consistent presence in your child's life.Think about all the things you do on a daily basis,the good and the bad.Now, how would you feel if your child began to emulate your decisions?
                    For those of us who live squeaky clean lives you probably wouldn't mind, but unfortunately,that is not the reality for most of the world.
                    Our children are quite impressionable and there are many influences outside our homes waiting to instill in them a false sense of love,loyalty and respect.
                    As the head of our households, we must insist on being our child's role model.We must show by example the importance of education and instill within them the bricks to build up their self esteem. As a single mother to a daughter (age 7) and two boys (ages 9 and 3 ), I believe the way we  go about this should be as different as they are.
                  For my daughter,first and foremost, I have tried to model self-sufficiency.I don't want her to feel she has to depend on anyone ;I want her to have her own.Also,though few and far in between, I have tried to show her the need to respect yourself in relationships, and have been mindful of how I allow others to treat me in front of her.Last but not least, I make a point to emulate for her how a little girl should carry herself at home and in public...proper hygeine,how to sit in a skirt,etc.
                 As for my sons,there are some areas in which I am not qualified,such as sports.For that I have had to reach out to my father,but you may choose whomever best fits the job for you.But what I can teach them,which is of most importance to me,is how to treat the women in their lives. I won't even allow them to hit their sister in horseplay,though I am sure they sneak a few in here and there.As a former victim of domestic violence, I know all to well how that affects a woman's life....her appearance,her heart and her self esteem. I also try to model for them the need to make an honest living,no matter what.I made sure my kids saw the struggle I endured while working full- time and going to nursing school part-time;they also watched in pride,alongside grandma and granddaddy, as I walked the stage and earned my LPN license 3 months later.Sure they don't have all the latest gadgets that society markets as a "must have" every other week; but they have what they need and don't have to worry about it being snatched away.Last but not least, I push education, how they should dress (no pants hanging off their butt) and how to conduct themselves in public.
                Being your child's role model is no easy task.But it is a necessary one, if we are to one day send them out into society confident enough to run the world,not so weak as to be run by it.

Finding God as a Single Mother

                   My journey to find God has been a 10+ year journey and counting.It's not that he didn't make himself available to me; I just didn't feel worthy. While visiting churches, in my quest to find peace, I heard many sermons about how repentence and baptism covered a  multitude of sins.Surely they didn't mean my sins I thought to myself.Since he's supposed to be able to see and hear everything,was he not seeing not and hearing how I was living and behaving? I knew there was no way he could forgive someone like me.
                  However, it turned out that he could and he did. How do I know you ask? Because there was no way I'd be here today had he not loved me through all the good,the bad and the ugly. As I sit here and recall, he placed several influential people in my life at just the right times to help me through. He allowed me some pain, but they were learning pains,and without them I would have been none the wiser today.
                  As a single mom, I often struggle with the consequences of my decisions. Sometimes I battle the feelings of inadequacy as a parent.I also allow the guilt of their fathers' absence to justify my need to overcompensate in my rearing of them;often to their detriment when I am left with nothing monetarily to care for them for a two week stretch.
                 Then one day the Lord led me to his Word after many a tearful night.It was as if the words were illuminated on the page: " The Lord is a father to the fatherless". In an instant, it was as if tons of struggle had been lifted off my shoulders; I was set free.No longer did I have to tackle the perils of parenting alone.No longer did I have to "steal from Peter to pay Paul" because he would make a way out of no way,and worked on my pride so that I could accept the gift in love and not as charity.
                By no means do I want to give off the impression that life for me is  a bed of roses. God is no respecter of person and I often deal with the same trials and tribulations as the next person. The difference now is I have a whole new outlook;the outlook of a person who has a relationship with God. I know the Lord will never put more on me than I am able to handle (whether I agree with his opinion of what I can handle or not).And I also know that the times when I walked through life " and saw only one set of footprints,it was then that he was carrying me".

Living your Dreams

                      Do you have a dream? As a single parent,have you felt you couldn't possibly pursue it? Or have you entrusted your dreams to someone who has acted as a pin to deflate your balloon? If so, I can relate. I have had several avenues I wanted to pursue but lacked the confidence to until now. I have had dreams of becoming a professional singer/entertainer, an author and a nurse. I was able to fulfill  the dream of becoming a nurse,LPN to be exact,in September 2007.However, an injury I sustained on the job,halted the full effect of being able to jump in with both feet. I have the license but am unable to spread my wings until I am released from doctor's care.I most recently had the dream of writing a book for single moms but was discouraged by a member of my former church stating," It's going to be almost impossible to make it because there a 1,000,0001 books like that out there." Not knowing much and respecting her opinion, I chose not to. Thankfully for every negative counsel you recieve there are many more positive,and thus this blog was born.It's not a book per say, but I hope to one day make a compilation of my writings for a book.As for becoming a singer/entertainer, I still have stage fright issues but I plan to fullfill my dreams of recording a studio demo...God willing.
                    I want to encourage everyone who visits my blogs (and beyond) to pursue your dreams.Through the recent deaths of close friends from my past( one died from breast cancer,the other from a tragic car accident) I was confronted with the reality of how short life really is. Both of these women were in their mid to late thirties. I am quite certain that if they knew ahead of time,the course their lives would take,they would have made a point to live with no regrets. Sure not everyone is discovered,sure not everyone will make it beyond the drawing board;but don't let your choice to not try become the reason.We all need a supportive cheerleader in our corner.Someone who will encourage you and inspire you;not be jealous or sabotage you.That person for me is my friend Izola,to whom I am dedicating this article.Our friendship has spanned 20 + years. She is such an extraordinary person in her own right and talents, that her confidence in self gives her the heart to lift you up,not tear you down. The benefits of working toward your dreams are undeniable: 1) You gain confidence 2) You are given a purpose 3) You learn (sometimes for the first time) just how capable you are 4) You discover how valuable your natural talents really are. 5) You get to enjoy the fruit of your hard work.
                           No matter how big or small, take that first step toward making your dream a reality.We were all given various gifts and talents.They were not given to us to lay dormant like an unopened gift in a beautiful package, but for us to share them with the world, blessing others as he intended it.