As parents we must listen to our kids,learn what they enjoy and encourage them to be the
they can be.Words can't express the pride I felt as I volunteered myself as a hair model and
witnessed my young cousin use her hands as a sculptor and my hair as clay.To my surprise,
she bore a love for cosmetology and had been using every opportunity to learn by
observation. Just for kicks she had chosen to create a beautiful braided up-do
for her twin sister. My mouth dropped in amazement as I inspected the hair and could find nothing to
say but "Wow!" She made such a favorable impression that I have decided to become her first
complimentary,ofcourse,client.
I have shared this story to say how important it is to allow our babies to flourish at their
pace in their own individual strengths. Too often we witness kids that grow into adults with no
purpose and no direction. Or they attempt to make money illegally which only leads to life in prison
or worse. As single parents we are often the only one present, so we must be even more observant
and willing to sacrifice what we can to help them seize their potential. If you find that your child
loves decorating their room,introduce them to the world of interior decorating;if they enjoy putting
their outfits together, groom them toward the world of fashion.....and if they love experimenting with
various hairstyles, open the door for them to your local cosmetology class or beauty school.
You just never know what creativity is lying dormant in your child just waiting to be released!
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
Round and Round ...Back to Child Support We Go!
It boggles my mind the lengths "men" will go to to avoid paying support. At first I thought it was an epidemic only women of certain socioeconomic statuses had to deal with;you know,those of us struggling to make ends meet living at or below poverty level. I was surprised to see women like Sheree Whitfield,of RHOA fame,fighting her ex (former NFL player) husband for support.In a strange sort of way I found solace in knowing that I was not a statistic, but part of a larger sisterhood of mothers.
My fight for child support has spanned over a decade and I am not sure why it has had to come to this. I have 3 children and I am dealing with 2 deadbeat fathers.The first father has 7 children total including my 2,and the second had 3 children including my 1.(Not to mention the second baby daddy went on to father another child after my youngest.)
It has always amazed me how a man's perception of a woman changes once a child has been conceived.Somehow,somewhere along the way,if the woman chooses to do the right thing and keep the child,she becomes the enemy;as if she laid down and made the child all by herself.Once the child is born,they seem to view the child not as being of their own flesh,but as dollar signs slipping through their fingers. It wouldn't be so bad if cordial conversation could be had,but all too often they avoid all avenues of communication in an effort to either keep their manipulative schemes to themselves or as a means to hurt the mother;not realizing it's not the mother who is missing out, but he is depriving himself of formative years and milestones that he can never get back.
I'm sure there are some mothers out there who create a stigma that makes it harder for the rest of us.But there are some of us,like myself,who live for their children and places their welfare as priority number one.I don't know the last time I have made a purchase for myself for this very reason. I often find myself frustrated thinking what my children could have if the fathers paid their share.
Going back and forth to child support court would never be what I'd choose in an ideal situation,but unfortunately,it's a necessity if you want justice for your child(ren).My children are presently 10,8, and 3.They are not old enough to demand in a court of law what they are entitled to,so until then,I must advocate for them.
My fight for child support has spanned over a decade and I am not sure why it has had to come to this. I have 3 children and I am dealing with 2 deadbeat fathers.The first father has 7 children total including my 2,and the second had 3 children including my 1.(Not to mention the second baby daddy went on to father another child after my youngest.)
It has always amazed me how a man's perception of a woman changes once a child has been conceived.Somehow,somewhere along the way,if the woman chooses to do the right thing and keep the child,she becomes the enemy;as if she laid down and made the child all by herself.Once the child is born,they seem to view the child not as being of their own flesh,but as dollar signs slipping through their fingers. It wouldn't be so bad if cordial conversation could be had,but all too often they avoid all avenues of communication in an effort to either keep their manipulative schemes to themselves or as a means to hurt the mother;not realizing it's not the mother who is missing out, but he is depriving himself of formative years and milestones that he can never get back.
I'm sure there are some mothers out there who create a stigma that makes it harder for the rest of us.But there are some of us,like myself,who live for their children and places their welfare as priority number one.I don't know the last time I have made a purchase for myself for this very reason. I often find myself frustrated thinking what my children could have if the fathers paid their share.
Going back and forth to child support court would never be what I'd choose in an ideal situation,but unfortunately,it's a necessity if you want justice for your child(ren).My children are presently 10,8, and 3.They are not old enough to demand in a court of law what they are entitled to,so until then,I must advocate for them.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Better Truthful Than Sorry
I have chosen to write about this topic because it just boggles my mind the extent some people ( I can't even call them 'men' ) will go to, to hide their income in an effort to avoid paying child support. I wish I could say that what you are about to read is a work of fiction,but sadly it is not. For the past three years I have been dealing with a person who when I met him,had it all. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant and from that point on,if you were to believe the woe is me commentary he started and ended each conversation with,you'd think he had one foot in his home and the other in a shelter.At times it was tempting to entertain his rhetoric in hopes of clearing the fog of his well dramatized smoke screen.And what a smoke screen it turned out to be.
Just recently I made quite the discovery.The truth of how this man has been able to avoid homelessness,phone-lessness, electricity-lessness,food-lessness and any other amenity you could imagine. He has been managing quite the successful business, under the table and under the radar of child support.Though he had never consistently paid support as ordered, it seems the garnishing of his tax returns sparked this remarkable scheme.I can't say for sure how long this has been in operation,however,the posts I have uncovered only allowed me to view communication stemming back to April.Which leads me to believe that this has been in motion for quite a while.
I understand as much as the next person the economy we're in and the cost of living in the 21st century.However,with all that said,a child cannot be reared on occasional phone calls and rarely mailed hand me down clothing.
So,if you had this information,what would you do? Knowing what I know, I couldn't sit back and allow this to go on without standing up for my child.In my heart of hearts, I couldn't remain passive while my child was being railroaded as a result of selfish ambition....selfish gain.How will this saga end? No one really knows.They say hindsight is 20/20.I wonder if after he has had some time to wallow in the consequences of his actions,he will feel it was all worth it.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Broken Arrows
Last night this vision came to me of a broken arrow and I felt a tugging on my heart to write about the analogy. I sat in silence waiting to hear from God as to what he wanted me to say, and this is what he impressed on my heart.
The image of the arrow symbolizes our children and it's brokenness symbolizes our disappointments,dreams unfulfilled.We all want our children to grow up without the struggle we endured and with more than what we had.We want them to be high school scholars,college graduates and successful professionals.But children are often the product of their environment.
What environment are you cultivating for your children in your home? What are you demanding from the friends or acquaintances they are associating with? What are you instilling in your children from what they observe you saying and doing?
If we want our children to live righteously,we must direct them on the path they should go,just as in archery.But we can't expect a broken arrow to fly as far as one that's intact.Our children,the arrows,become broken when we allow them to govern themselves.They become broken when we allow them to believe that other people in our lives are more important than they or that our love for them is conditional for any reason.This brings to mind a perfect example of what I mean.It involves a poor generational cycle involving a dear friend and her children.She was raised to believe that the men in her (single) mom's life came first, and she was a non factor unless the mother was unattached.She did not have a relationship with her biological father,and never could say with certainty who he was,as the mother was a puppet directed by the strings of her overbearing grandmother's influence.Due to the absence of this crucial male figure, this friend has spent many years in countless failed relationships trying to find love and acceptance from all the wrong men,in all the wrong places.She is a mother to two boys;On her own she raised them to be respectful and pleasant.Everyone loved her boys.However,she loved the attention and "respect" she recieved from dating "bad boys",and the "never last forever" cash flow she benefited from related to their street hustling.She often lied to cover up for these men,but would throw her own kids under the bus whenever they attempted to express how her behavior was affecting them.Because of her decision to put self first,allowing these negative characters to stain the moral fiber she tried so hard to instill,her eldest son is now a college dropout and a street pharmaceutical flunkie. Her once straight arrow had been broken because of the disregard she had for maintaining his innocence, and from the way she allowed these "men" to glorify such a destructive lifestyle.
Let's look at the tragedy that would become Amy Winehouse for a moment.Before she was known to the world,she was an arrow strong and unbendable thanks to the combined efforts of her closely knit family. It wasn't until she was introduced to the ever seducing and never gratifying fame monster,did her arrow begin to break shattering into a million sad pieces.Her arrow began to bend and break from the demons she was surrounded by, drugs, alcohol,and other arrows which had no real direction.
If we want our children to stand straight and fly right,no matter the worldy influences,we must continue in our fight to strengthen,affirm and direct them.
The image of the arrow symbolizes our children and it's brokenness symbolizes our disappointments,dreams unfulfilled.We all want our children to grow up without the struggle we endured and with more than what we had.We want them to be high school scholars,college graduates and successful professionals.But children are often the product of their environment.
What environment are you cultivating for your children in your home? What are you demanding from the friends or acquaintances they are associating with? What are you instilling in your children from what they observe you saying and doing?
If we want our children to live righteously,we must direct them on the path they should go,just as in archery.But we can't expect a broken arrow to fly as far as one that's intact.Our children,the arrows,become broken when we allow them to govern themselves.They become broken when we allow them to believe that other people in our lives are more important than they or that our love for them is conditional for any reason.This brings to mind a perfect example of what I mean.It involves a poor generational cycle involving a dear friend and her children.She was raised to believe that the men in her (single) mom's life came first, and she was a non factor unless the mother was unattached.She did not have a relationship with her biological father,and never could say with certainty who he was,as the mother was a puppet directed by the strings of her overbearing grandmother's influence.Due to the absence of this crucial male figure, this friend has spent many years in countless failed relationships trying to find love and acceptance from all the wrong men,in all the wrong places.She is a mother to two boys;On her own she raised them to be respectful and pleasant.Everyone loved her boys.However,she loved the attention and "respect" she recieved from dating "bad boys",and the "never last forever" cash flow she benefited from related to their street hustling.She often lied to cover up for these men,but would throw her own kids under the bus whenever they attempted to express how her behavior was affecting them.Because of her decision to put self first,allowing these negative characters to stain the moral fiber she tried so hard to instill,her eldest son is now a college dropout and a street pharmaceutical flunkie. Her once straight arrow had been broken because of the disregard she had for maintaining his innocence, and from the way she allowed these "men" to glorify such a destructive lifestyle.
Let's look at the tragedy that would become Amy Winehouse for a moment.Before she was known to the world,she was an arrow strong and unbendable thanks to the combined efforts of her closely knit family. It wasn't until she was introduced to the ever seducing and never gratifying fame monster,did her arrow begin to break shattering into a million sad pieces.Her arrow began to bend and break from the demons she was surrounded by, drugs, alcohol,and other arrows which had no real direction.
If we want our children to stand straight and fly right,no matter the worldy influences,we must continue in our fight to strengthen,affirm and direct them.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
HE abandoned you but you're rejecting ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This article is actually an update to, " When The Family Suffers".For those of you who are unfamiliar with the last article, I will try to catch you up to speed with a condensed version.My oldest brother kept an 18 year old secret that would rock my family's foundation to its' core.That secret was my 18 y.o. niece who I'll refer to as "Regina".(She apparently was concieved 6 months into his marriage,out of an extramarital affair.) At this time he already had a newborn with his wife,well a 15 month old child, who fast forward to today is 20,soon to be 21. With the background firmly laid out for you,I'd like to bring you to the present day.
I was not sure how to go about this chance meeting,but I knew in my heart that I couldn't allow another day to go by and this child (young lady) not know the love she had awaiting her from her newfound aunt and granddad. I ultimately decided to make initial contact via an internet networking site. With her personal contact info made readily available, I decided to pick up the phone, hoping in time we could build a bond that family was made of;A bond that could overlook the 18 years of damage caused from my brother's abandonment.
We decided to meet a week later and the stage was set. I was pleasantly surprised by her absence of reserve in agreeing to meet me.My kids were overjoyed,especially my daughter, as she had imagined she had a new teenage play mate for which she could emulate and become buddies with.However the reality would soon become something different entirely.
The day of the planned meeting arrived and you could cut the nervous tension with a knife.Most of the conversation took place between her mother and myself,because she was quite guarded and angry.Her mother often interjected,prodding her to be more engaging,but to no avail.When I left the visit, I was hurt and confused.Hurt because she wasn't running to me with open arms.Hurt because she was taking out her abandonment issues that my brother caused on ME.Confused because if she really didn't want to meet me or was going to treat me like that,why did she even agree to meet with me? I didn't want to overwhelm her,I didn't want to push too much on her at once....I just wanted to be her auntie and for her to act like my niece.
I have counseled with dear friends in hopes of better understanding this phenomenon,from the perspective of the neglected child, but it's still hard to wrap my head around. I understand that she may feel that we "the family" could have influenced my brother to make other choices other than to deny her, or maybe she's wondering where were we the past 18 years and why are we coming out the woodwork now?. I get that.But what I don't get is how she doesn't understand that, I am not my brother's keeper!
I was not sure how to go about this chance meeting,but I knew in my heart that I couldn't allow another day to go by and this child (young lady) not know the love she had awaiting her from her newfound aunt and granddad. I ultimately decided to make initial contact via an internet networking site. With her personal contact info made readily available, I decided to pick up the phone, hoping in time we could build a bond that family was made of;A bond that could overlook the 18 years of damage caused from my brother's abandonment.
We decided to meet a week later and the stage was set. I was pleasantly surprised by her absence of reserve in agreeing to meet me.My kids were overjoyed,especially my daughter, as she had imagined she had a new teenage play mate for which she could emulate and become buddies with.However the reality would soon become something different entirely.
The day of the planned meeting arrived and you could cut the nervous tension with a knife.Most of the conversation took place between her mother and myself,because she was quite guarded and angry.Her mother often interjected,prodding her to be more engaging,but to no avail.When I left the visit, I was hurt and confused.Hurt because she wasn't running to me with open arms.Hurt because she was taking out her abandonment issues that my brother caused on ME.Confused because if she really didn't want to meet me or was going to treat me like that,why did she even agree to meet with me? I didn't want to overwhelm her,I didn't want to push too much on her at once....I just wanted to be her auntie and for her to act like my niece.
I have counseled with dear friends in hopes of better understanding this phenomenon,from the perspective of the neglected child, but it's still hard to wrap my head around. I understand that she may feel that we "the family" could have influenced my brother to make other choices other than to deny her, or maybe she's wondering where were we the past 18 years and why are we coming out the woodwork now?. I get that.But what I don't get is how she doesn't understand that, I am not my brother's keeper!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
When the family Suffers
Today was a tough day for me and my family.The article I am about to share is still raw and it is unlike any other I have shared before.It's unique as it is written from the perspective of the family of an absentee dad; the other component often left out in the equation of relationships gone sour, with a child at the helm of it.
Today my niece found out she has a sister, and I found out I have a new niece...... who is 18 years old now and in her first year of college! Shocked,happy,disgusted and embarressed are only a few of the emotions I am feeling right now.How could this happen?How could my brother sleep at night and look himself in the mirror in the morning,knowing the woman he creeped with was pregnant?Did he ever wonder what she looked like?Did he ever consider that though he made the conscious decision to be an absentee dad, our family did not sign up to be an absentee granddad,grandmother,aunt, and cousins?
I saw a picture of my niece,this 18 year old beautiful young lady, and to tell the truth,she looks more like my brother (and me) than my other niece does!How uncanny is that? I was unsure how to handle this on my end, but I ultimately made the choice to reach out to her,and I called .Surprisingly she was quite pleasant and receptive to hearing what I had to say.I don't know how I would have responded in her shoes.Would I have hung up?Would I have ranted and raved about where have we been all these (18) years?If I were her mother,how would I respond to his family trying to contact MY child after all these years?Would it matter to me that this man's family is not to blame for his ignorance and poor choices? And as my brother,how would I feel,knowing that everyone now sees me for the liar I REALLY am? Would I feel I owe this other child anything for the pain I have caused her?Would I hold my head in shame?.....Apparently not,because he STILL doesn't acknowledge her.
All we can do now,with or without my brother on board,is move forward.But my heart breaks for the years lost,for the memories that were never made. My heart breaks for the birthdays,proms,and graduations I missed; for the boys talks,laughs and hugs we could have shared. I can't stress this enough.....If you feel you are man enough to bring a baby into this world,no matter the circumstance,whether it was a one night stand or your jump off,handle your business.If you choose to turn your head and walk away you do that...but remember, your family didn't co-sign that choice with you.
Today my niece found out she has a sister, and I found out I have a new niece...... who is 18 years old now and in her first year of college! Shocked,happy,disgusted and embarressed are only a few of the emotions I am feeling right now.How could this happen?How could my brother sleep at night and look himself in the mirror in the morning,knowing the woman he creeped with was pregnant?Did he ever wonder what she looked like?Did he ever consider that though he made the conscious decision to be an absentee dad, our family did not sign up to be an absentee granddad,grandmother,aunt, and cousins?
I saw a picture of my niece,this 18 year old beautiful young lady, and to tell the truth,she looks more like my brother (and me) than my other niece does!How uncanny is that? I was unsure how to handle this on my end, but I ultimately made the choice to reach out to her,and I called .Surprisingly she was quite pleasant and receptive to hearing what I had to say.I don't know how I would have responded in her shoes.Would I have hung up?Would I have ranted and raved about where have we been all these (18) years?If I were her mother,how would I respond to his family trying to contact MY child after all these years?Would it matter to me that this man's family is not to blame for his ignorance and poor choices? And as my brother,how would I feel,knowing that everyone now sees me for the liar I REALLY am? Would I feel I owe this other child anything for the pain I have caused her?Would I hold my head in shame?.....Apparently not,because he STILL doesn't acknowledge her.
All we can do now,with or without my brother on board,is move forward.But my heart breaks for the years lost,for the memories that were never made. My heart breaks for the birthdays,proms,and graduations I missed; for the boys talks,laughs and hugs we could have shared. I can't stress this enough.....If you feel you are man enough to bring a baby into this world,no matter the circumstance,whether it was a one night stand or your jump off,handle your business.If you choose to turn your head and walk away you do that...but remember, your family didn't co-sign that choice with you.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Am I A Bad Mother If I.......?
We are imperfect beings.There is not one,without sin,who can cast the first stone.So why do we beat up on ourselves when it comes to our parenting? If you occasionally find yourself doing this you are not alone. I often berate myself because I am not the mother I want to be, all the time;not the mother I imagined I would be when I fantasized about it.
No one ever warned me about the reality of parenting.That the cost to rear a child would greatly surpass what I would earn.That your authority as a parent would not guarantee your child's cooperation.That you can't raise each child with the same set of guidelines because they are so uniquely different and would not respond the same.
I often wonder if I am a bad parent because I get overwhelmed and angry when I have no time for myself to relax and regroup. Sometimes I think I am a bad parent when I can't afford to treat the occasional trip to McDonald's or any other activity they may desire. I still even find myself feeling that I'm a bad parent because I have yet to find a mate to fill the void of father figure, they so desperately long for.
To determine what qualifies one as a bad parent, I guess you first must consider what are the characteristics of a good parent.In my opinion a good parent:
1. Provides a nurturing home for their child.
2. Supplies the external needs of their child ( clothes,shoes,food,etc.)
3. Supplies the internal needs of their child ( love,self esteem,trust,etc.)
4. Protects their child
5. Makes education a priority
6. Puts God at the head of their home and encourages their child to have their own relationship with him,on a level they can understand.
7. Does not allow any negative influences in the home, in any form ( television,radio,books,etc)
8.Teaches their child,by example,how to carry themselves with respect and dignity.
9.Does not break the law or allow their child to by any degree
10.When it comes to their mate,and they are not married,they put their kids first. ( Some may disagree,but relationships come and go, your children are forever. Children need to know from you,especially if they are from a single parent home,that they are priceless and irreplacable.)
So after examining my list, do I still feel like a bad parent? Actually no and I don't think you should either.If you see yourself in either or all of my points listed above, I believe you should be brushing your shoulders off about now.We all have our good days and bad days,and if you still have the ability to come out on the other side to face another day, you should be commended.There are no bad parents or bad kids;Just students of life trying to learn without a handbook.
No one ever warned me about the reality of parenting.That the cost to rear a child would greatly surpass what I would earn.That your authority as a parent would not guarantee your child's cooperation.That you can't raise each child with the same set of guidelines because they are so uniquely different and would not respond the same.
I often wonder if I am a bad parent because I get overwhelmed and angry when I have no time for myself to relax and regroup. Sometimes I think I am a bad parent when I can't afford to treat the occasional trip to McDonald's or any other activity they may desire. I still even find myself feeling that I'm a bad parent because I have yet to find a mate to fill the void of father figure, they so desperately long for.
To determine what qualifies one as a bad parent, I guess you first must consider what are the characteristics of a good parent.In my opinion a good parent:
1. Provides a nurturing home for their child.
2. Supplies the external needs of their child ( clothes,shoes,food,etc.)
3. Supplies the internal needs of their child ( love,self esteem,trust,etc.)
4. Protects their child
5. Makes education a priority
6. Puts God at the head of their home and encourages their child to have their own relationship with him,on a level they can understand.
7. Does not allow any negative influences in the home, in any form ( television,radio,books,etc)
8.Teaches their child,by example,how to carry themselves with respect and dignity.
9.Does not break the law or allow their child to by any degree
10.When it comes to their mate,and they are not married,they put their kids first. ( Some may disagree,but relationships come and go, your children are forever. Children need to know from you,especially if they are from a single parent home,that they are priceless and irreplacable.)
So after examining my list, do I still feel like a bad parent? Actually no and I don't think you should either.If you see yourself in either or all of my points listed above, I believe you should be brushing your shoulders off about now.We all have our good days and bad days,and if you still have the ability to come out on the other side to face another day, you should be commended.There are no bad parents or bad kids;Just students of life trying to learn without a handbook.
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